LUCKY BLOKE OF THE MONTH!

The "What's all this then?" lucky bloke of the month has to go to the 'Slightly less than average looking ' Bernie (Shit i'm lucky!) Ecclestone. Not only does he have more cash than a small country, he gets to travel the world first class watching every formula one race for the year. He also gets to hang out with all the drivers in pit lane! His only quandary would be wondering what his lovely missus is up to when his away.My guess would be the pool men, gardeners, and the rest of the servants would be scaling the walls into the place like the last scene from Scarface as soon as poor old Bernie's limo has left the driveway!

NEWSFLASH! MAN CAUGHT IN DISAPPEARING ROAD RIDDLE.

A man was lucky to be alive today after coming home from the pub after a 'couple of beers' and having the road he was travelling on completly disappear in front of him.

A shocked Bob Conrad, from 'Off ya Face' beer delivery service said, "I was going down the road doing well under the speed limit to get a couple stubbies and a mexicana pizza, and the road seemed to change shape and bloody vanish!. Blame the Bracks goverment if you ask me!"

The Minister for disapperaing roads declined to comment.

Germaine Greer....Crikey!

GERMAINE GREER…OH DEAR.

Germaine Greer has come out within hours of Steve Irwin’s tragic death, criticizing the Aussie legend’s manner in which he handled himself, and the animals he came in contact with as “cruel” and “embarrassing” to all Australians. Greer labeled him a “self deluded animal tormentor” - that he told the world how dangerous the animals were and then tormented them. All this coming from a woman who would think it was sexist if I excused myself to use the male toilet!

Oh Dear, Germaine Greer. You really have shown what an out of touch (U.K. based) old bitter little lady you are. Don’t you realize that Steve Irwin was a character, an extension of his own character? Of course he hammed it up little for television, like another Aussie icon - Dame Edna Everidge, but you don’t go around saying that she is actually a man do you? It’s called “showbiz” darls. You could have aired those opinions when he was alive, but I suppose a sheila like you wouldn’t get the publicity then would you? Do you want to know what “Un-Australian” is darls? “Un- Australian” is someone who sits back (in the U.K) on their little rocking chair, speaking ill of a great Australian character (based in Australia) who has just passed, and was educating young children and adults around the world about animals, their habitat and Conservation.

Now Miss Greer, let’s talk about you for a moment. It seems you made some riveting television yourself, remember? Yes that’s right, it was “Celebrity Big Brother” in the U.K. wasn’t it? Oh that’s right, you walked out on the show after four days citing psychological cruelty, and that the contestants had “hidden agendas”. Agendas, yes - hidden, no. You see, they all were struggling B-grade celebrities and wanted the publicity, but the others didn’t hide it. We all have agendas in life Miss Greer. What was yours? It wasn’t the forty thousand pounds you were to receive for doing the show that resulted in a squabble with the producers after breaking your agreement was it?

This is where the story turns full-circle. You see Miss Germaine “oh dear” Greer has a property in the lovely Queensland rainforest that she was struggling to keep, a whole 125,000 acres in fact. Now I know a bloke who does the same sort of thing in an area not that far from your rainforest - in fact he was a spokesperson for many conservation organizations around the world, and he was buying up as much land as he could to make the animal world a better place, but I’m sure you have met him through all of those many conservation organizations you are a member of Miss Greer!

You see sometimes if you had have looked at some of the great things this Australian character was doing you may have thought that you had something in common. And maybe, just maybe…you would have found a friend. I feel sorry for the native fauna in your unhappy rainforest, however I’m sure most of them would have legged-it, slithered, and flown the hell out of there a long time ago, suffering from “psychological torment” (apart from a couple of pissed-off female kangaroos burning their pouches, and a team of really pissed-off black-widow spiders!)

Just remember Germaine “Oh Dear” Greer - when you are sitting on your rocking chair knitting yourself the world’s biggest beanie to fit around your big scone, on your 125,000 acre rainforest, and big a six-foot long “Morelia Viridis” (that’s a Queensland green carpet python) slithers across your feet - CRIKEY! Don’t panic darls, it’s non-venomous. I know…because a great Australian bloke called Steve told me so.

Oh …and I nearly forgot Germaine…How are the book sales going?

R.I.P STEVE IRWIN.

What's wrong with Warney??

With Tell all book about Shane Warne by Paul the "shagger" Barry is hitting the bookshelves i thought i should have a couple of words to say about the situation myself. (That's what blogs are for isn't it?) It seems that everywhere we look our Aussie celebrities are having trouble with their phones. If you ask me Shane and Russell should swap there means of communication - Russell could have texted his damsel in distress and saved himself a lot of trouble and money, and Shane…well, with a land-line couldn’t text, and even better if it is ripped out a wall!

However, I am not here to rip a googly through Shane on this occasion (like everyone else), rather give the Aussie bloke a bit of support, and hope everything works out with his wife and lovely young kids.

Firstly I wish to cast aspersions on these so called victims of the spin king’s flipper finger texting; these woman have all “come out” in the press (for a large price I might add) declaring they had been bombarded with lured, dirty, obscene messages that they didn’t want - yet all managed to see their way through the vulgarity and sleep with the spin whiz! Take Laura Sayers, the woman who came out in the English press saying Shane went back to her apartment for an innocent chat after night on the sauce, when the bamboozle boy from Brighton entered the lounge room naked dancing! Oh no, shown the door you ask? No, Laura says, well… she “gave in” and well…slept with him! (I must keep that one in mind next time a girl asks me back for a innocent coffee - I will skip the coffee, take off the duds and do a moonwalk across the lounge room floor singing “beat it” - bound to work every time!)

And of course after that we have had the lovely Michelle (just a friend) Masters come out in the press saying she was in a texting frenzy with Mr Spinney, just for support in his time of need. That sounds nice, good on you Michelle. Yet two days later (after a little bit of cash was waved under your nose by Fleet Street) you came out and said that after a month you “relented” and, well, um…slept with him! Poor girl same old story, plain office girl finally gives in to good looking millionaire international celebrity, I hope you are alright Michelle!

And of course we can’t forget that lovely forty five year old year old South African dame, Helen Cohan Alon, with a silent “E” on the end of her last name, claiming Warney sent her “Vulgar” text messages on her phone and wanted the world to judge Shane accordingly. There was a judge involved alright - the one that found her guilty of extortion and sentenced her to eighteen months imprisonment. I hope Bea Smith from “Prisoner” is her cell mate, she was a big cricket fan apparently!

And last but certainly not least, out of the doona covers springs all of these so called “Sexperts” commenting on the world’s greatest wicket taker’s “sex problems”. One such little podgy Colonel Sanders look-a-like that Channel Ten dug up this week on their nightly news (whose name escapes me) says: “Mr Warne has a “Sex Addiction!” Very dangerous and bordering on unethical for a doctor to give such an opinion on a patient without consultation don’t you think? Even more so to make a diagnosis from Fleet Street? And what exactly does constitute a “sex addiction”? How many times do you have to do the business before you can class yourself as an addict? Do we go by how many times little Colonel Sanders rolls his leg over? What would that be once…twice, maybe three times a year?

Doesn’t this little under-sexed over-educated little garden ornament man realize that in the real world SEX TEXTING and SEX is happening everywhere, and that not the average male, but ninety-nine percent of men think about sex ninety-nine percent of the time? If not, my name is Grant Dickinson, and I am a Sexaholic! (Go Warney!)

Floyd on drugs?

Were we honestly suprised when Tour De France winner Floyd Landis tested positive for drugs? Here is a couple of exclusive shots of Floyd on his way to Melbourne's very own Summer Daze Dance party on New Year's day! Who would follow such a crooked sport. It's enough to make me hand in my Malvern star dragster.

Douglas Would if he could but he can't!

Aussie superstar hostage Douglas Wood has had a terrifying ordeal held captive by Iraqi insurgents, enduring physical and mental torture, which is going to take years, if ever to get over. But one problem he won’t have for the rest of his life is financial woes, due to the celebrity management team he now has behind him.

Yes that’s right; it seems there is money to be made in being tortured these days, thanks largely to the television media outlets getting so close to battle. And as we all know, where there is television, there is an advertising dollar to be made. It seems Douglas (would if he could but he can’t) Woods, could not bring himself to comment on his ordeal for a little time there, while his management went into overdrive trying to get Dougie-baby the best deal. They eventually settled for a rumoured four-hundred thousand dollars with the ‘hard hitting’ Ten late news reporter Sandra Sully.

However Douglas did mention a few things on his release, and they were quite specific - like instead of coming out and hollering “Geez I’d love a beer!” he was very clear in saying “Geez I’d love a VB!” So the deal was done and now Mr. Woods will be blowing the froth off VB for life, and a simple “Go Cats!” got him a signed jumper, membership, and a dinner in his honor. Gary Ablett would be proud! And in a private party held in Melbourne (when big Dougie was under his media gag) his brothers got in to the act, expressing that his slurping sibling was just having a lovely “Yullumba” I think he said. That’s the Wood spirit, good on you mate!

But Douglas why stop there pal, I’m with you all the way! You just about have everything covered for the great Australian male; grog, footy, but you missed the final piece of the hat-trick, CHICKS! If you had only mentioned after so many days of being locked up, that you wouldn’t mind heading down to your local ‘knock shop’ like ‘Mistress Sonia’s’, or for a bit of a roll in the hay at the ‘Boardroom’, the possibilities would be endless champ! They might even have you down there like your new mates at the Geelong Footy Club as a guest of honor. Maybe they might give you a pair of signed undies! Better still, they might name a room after you, say… “The Douglas Woody Room!” Your brothers and your good self could have spent Saturday arvos down at your local establishment watching footy, sculling VB’s, and shagging Australia’s finest!
So where is this all going to stop? I’m sure it won’t be long before the insurgents will realize that when making demands, an advertising board behind the hostage will reap much more money than a lousy ransom! And think of all that empty space on those turbans, berkas, and kaftans? If they’re not screaming out for an Adidas or Nike logo, I don’t know what is. I’m not sure if I was seeing things, but I’m sure I saw a ‘Hertz rent-a-car’ slogan on the side of a suicide bomber’s car hurtling towards a check- point, just before it was blown to smithereens!

And where are all the Americans in all of this? The Kings of Advertising, with so many helicopters in active service - surely it would be no trouble putting a McDonald’s banner trailing along behind them as they go into battle. Or what about those vapor trails we saw high in the sky over Afghanistan from the famous B-52 bombers? It would be just a case of “right here, left here, and up a little”, and you would have a fantastic ‘Pepsi Max’ logo in the sky. So there we have it, war and peace? Or piece of pie? And let’s stand up…and charge our VB’s to Dougie! Glad to have you back mate, and don’t drink all those beers at once!