What's wrong with Warney??

With Tell all book about Shane Warne by Paul the "shagger" Barry is hitting the bookshelves i thought i should have a couple of words to say about the situation myself. (That's what blogs are for isn't it?) It seems that everywhere we look our Aussie celebrities are having trouble with their phones. If you ask me Shane and Russell should swap there means of communication - Russell could have texted his damsel in distress and saved himself a lot of trouble and money, and Shane…well, with a land-line couldn’t text, and even better if it is ripped out a wall!

However, I am not here to rip a googly through Shane on this occasion (like everyone else), rather give the Aussie bloke a bit of support, and hope everything works out with his wife and lovely young kids.

Firstly I wish to cast aspersions on these so called victims of the spin king’s flipper finger texting; these woman have all “come out” in the press (for a large price I might add) declaring they had been bombarded with lured, dirty, obscene messages that they didn’t want - yet all managed to see their way through the vulgarity and sleep with the spin whiz! Take Laura Sayers, the woman who came out in the English press saying Shane went back to her apartment for an innocent chat after night on the sauce, when the bamboozle boy from Brighton entered the lounge room naked dancing! Oh no, shown the door you ask? No, Laura says, well… she “gave in” and well…slept with him! (I must keep that one in mind next time a girl asks me back for a innocent coffee - I will skip the coffee, take off the duds and do a moonwalk across the lounge room floor singing “beat it” - bound to work every time!)

And of course after that we have had the lovely Michelle (just a friend) Masters come out in the press saying she was in a texting frenzy with Mr Spinney, just for support in his time of need. That sounds nice, good on you Michelle. Yet two days later (after a little bit of cash was waved under your nose by Fleet Street) you came out and said that after a month you “relented” and, well, um…slept with him! Poor girl same old story, plain office girl finally gives in to good looking millionaire international celebrity, I hope you are alright Michelle!

And of course we can’t forget that lovely forty five year old year old South African dame, Helen Cohan Alon, with a silent “E” on the end of her last name, claiming Warney sent her “Vulgar” text messages on her phone and wanted the world to judge Shane accordingly. There was a judge involved alright - the one that found her guilty of extortion and sentenced her to eighteen months imprisonment. I hope Bea Smith from “Prisoner” is her cell mate, she was a big cricket fan apparently!

And last but certainly not least, out of the doona covers springs all of these so called “Sexperts” commenting on the world’s greatest wicket taker’s “sex problems”. One such little podgy Colonel Sanders look-a-like that Channel Ten dug up this week on their nightly news (whose name escapes me) says: “Mr Warne has a “Sex Addiction!” Very dangerous and bordering on unethical for a doctor to give such an opinion on a patient without consultation don’t you think? Even more so to make a diagnosis from Fleet Street? And what exactly does constitute a “sex addiction”? How many times do you have to do the business before you can class yourself as an addict? Do we go by how many times little Colonel Sanders rolls his leg over? What would that be once…twice, maybe three times a year?

Doesn’t this little under-sexed over-educated little garden ornament man realize that in the real world SEX TEXTING and SEX is happening everywhere, and that not the average male, but ninety-nine percent of men think about sex ninety-nine percent of the time? If not, my name is Grant Dickinson, and I am a Sexaholic! (Go Warney!)