Aussie superstar hostage Douglas Wood has had a terrifying ordeal held captive by Iraqi insurgents, enduring physical and mental torture, which is going to take years, if ever to get over. But one problem he won’t have for the rest of his life is financial woes, due to the celebrity management team he now has behind him. Yes that’s right; it seems there is money to be made in being tortured these days, thanks largely to the television media outlets getting so close to battle. And as we all know, where there is television, there is an advertising dollar to be made. It seems Douglas (would if he could but he can’t) Woods, could not bring himself to comment on his ordeal for a little time there, while his management went into overdrive trying to get Dougie-baby the best deal. They eventually settled for a rumoured four-hundred thousand dollars with the ‘hard hitting’ Ten late news reporter Sandra Sully.
However Douglas did mention a few things on his release, and they were quite specific - like instead of coming out and hollering “Geez I’d love a beer!” he was very clear in saying “Geez I’d love a VB!” So the deal was done and now Mr. Woods will be blowing the froth off VB for life, and a simple “Go Cats!” got him a signed jumper, membership, and a dinner in his honor. Gary Ablett would be proud! And in a private party held in Melbourne (when big Dougie was under his media gag) his brothers got in to the act, expressing that his slurping sibling was just having a lovely “Yullumba” I think he said. That’s the Wood spirit, good on you mate!
But Douglas why stop there pal, I’m with you all the way! You just about have everything covered for the great Australian male; grog, footy, but you missed the final piece of the hat-trick, CHICKS! If you had only mentioned after so many days of being locked up, that you wouldn’t mind heading down to your local ‘knock shop’ like ‘Mistress Sonia’s’, or for a bit of a roll in the hay at the ‘Boardroom’, the possibilities would be endless champ! They might even have you down there like your new mates at the Geelong Footy Club as a guest of honor. Maybe they might give you a pair of signed undies! Better still, they might name a room after you, say… “The Douglas Woody Room!” Your brothers and your good self could have spent Saturday arvos down at your local establishment watching footy, sculling VB’s, and shagging Australia’s finest!
So where is this all going to stop? I’m sure it won’t be long before the insurgents will realize that when making demands, an advertising board behind the hostage will reap much more money than a lousy ransom! And think of all that empty space on those turbans, berkas, and kaftans? If they’re not screaming out for an Adidas or Nike logo, I don’t know what is. I’m not sure if I was seeing things, but I’m sure I saw a ‘Hertz rent-a-car’ slogan on the side of a suicide bomber’s car hurtling towards a check- point, just before it was blown to smithereens!
And where are all the Americans in all of this? The Kings of Advertising, with so many helicopters in active service - surely it would be no trouble putting a McDonald’s banner trailing along behind them as they go into battle. Or what about those vapor trails we saw high in the sky over Afghanistan from the famous B-52 bombers? It would be just a case of “right here, left here, and up a little”, and you would have a fantastic ‘Pepsi Max’ logo in the sky. So there we have it, war and peace? Or piece of pie? And let’s stand up…and charge our VB’s to Dougie! Glad to have you back mate, and don’t drink all those beers at once!
