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The N.S.W government has made a grand purchase of a US made 'Riot Water cannon' For the 2007 APEC summit at a cost of $600.000. Great idea, and would of looked splendid on the 6pm news if a bunch of tree hugging hippies and greenies made a mad dash at President Bush, blowing dope smoke,riding mopeds, and throwing free range eggs at them and get blown 300 feet backwards by a jet of water so strong Moby Dick would have...well had 'dick envy'. But as much as they needed a wash, unfortunately this didn't happen.(I think they got stoned, chained themselves up to a few trees and got the munchies and boiled the free range eggs instead!)

But now i have noticed that the N.S.W Police have a little bit of a problem. What are the going to do with the bloody thing now? They are chomping at the bit to get some use out of this big black deadly water spewing piece of licorice!

I noticed in the week before Bathurst this year, the Police Minister came out and said,"if we see one sign of trouble we will have no hesitation in bringing out the water cannon!" Can you just imagine it?Screaming bogan Ford fans drinking fifty Jim Beam cans each, on a hot Bathurst
Sunday, with ford coming 1,2,3. and an opportunity to wet every girls t-shirt with in a mile and cool down at the same time? If that's the case I'm going next year armed with my Winnie blue's, mullet, Fabergé acid wash jeans and my missus Raaaleeee'ne. (As long as she wears a tight white t-shirt and carries my beers)

I have an idea guys, and it just an idea. How about instead trying to wet some hippies, bogans,Elderly and pre-school kids,you guys should have chugged up the road a bit where there was a real menace to society that was out of control and threatening a town called Jindabyne...it's called a bush fire!I reckon that 12,000 litres of water shot 50 metres at a rapid pace might have a bit of an impact...don't you think?

BREAKING NEWS:JOHN HOWARD PLEASED WITH NEW LIBERAL BUDGET!

John Howard couldn't contain himself in Canberra today as Close friend Peter Costello announced the new Federal Budget. One labor backbencher commented..."see...i told you the Liberal government was going down on the poles!

LUCKY BLOKE OF THE MONTH!

The "What's all this then?" lucky bloke of the month has to go to the 'Slightly less than average looking ' Bernie (Shit i'm lucky!) Ecclestone. Not only does he have more cash than a small country, he gets to travel the world first class watching every formula one race for the year. He also gets to hang out with all the drivers in pit lane! His only quandary would be wondering what his lovely missus is up to when his away.My guess would be the pool men, gardeners, and the rest of the servants would be scaling the walls into the place like the last scene from Scarface as soon as poor old Bernie's limo has left the driveway!

NEWSFLASH! MAN CAUGHT IN DISAPPEARING ROAD RIDDLE.

A man was lucky to be alive today after coming home from the pub after a 'couple of beers' and having the road he was travelling on completly disappear in front of him.

A shocked Bob Conrad, from 'Off ya Face' beer delivery service said, "I was going down the road doing well under the speed limit to get a couple stubbies and a mexicana pizza, and the road seemed to change shape and bloody vanish!. Blame the Bracks goverment if you ask me!"

The Minister for disapperaing roads declined to comment.

Germaine Greer....Crikey!

GERMAINE GREER…OH DEAR.

Germaine Greer has come out within hours of Steve Irwin’s tragic death, criticizing the Aussie legend’s manner in which he handled himself, and the animals he came in contact with as “cruel” and “embarrassing” to all Australians. Greer labeled him a “self deluded animal tormentor” - that he told the world how dangerous the animals were and then tormented them. All this coming from a woman who would think it was sexist if I excused myself to use the male toilet!

Oh Dear, Germaine Greer. You really have shown what an out of touch (U.K. based) old bitter little lady you are. Don’t you realize that Steve Irwin was a character, an extension of his own character? Of course he hammed it up little for television, like another Aussie icon - Dame Edna Everidge, but you don’t go around saying that she is actually a man do you? It’s called “showbiz” darls. You could have aired those opinions when he was alive, but I suppose a sheila like you wouldn’t get the publicity then would you? Do you want to know what “Un-Australian” is darls? “Un- Australian” is someone who sits back (in the U.K) on their little rocking chair, speaking ill of a great Australian character (based in Australia) who has just passed, and was educating young children and adults around the world about animals, their habitat and Conservation.

Now Miss Greer, let’s talk about you for a moment. It seems you made some riveting television yourself, remember? Yes that’s right, it was “Celebrity Big Brother” in the U.K. wasn’t it? Oh that’s right, you walked out on the show after four days citing psychological cruelty, and that the contestants had “hidden agendas”. Agendas, yes - hidden, no. You see, they all were struggling B-grade celebrities and wanted the publicity, but the others didn’t hide it. We all have agendas in life Miss Greer. What was yours? It wasn’t the forty thousand pounds you were to receive for doing the show that resulted in a squabble with the producers after breaking your agreement was it?

This is where the story turns full-circle. You see Miss Germaine “oh dear” Greer has a property in the lovely Queensland rainforest that she was struggling to keep, a whole 125,000 acres in fact. Now I know a bloke who does the same sort of thing in an area not that far from your rainforest - in fact he was a spokesperson for many conservation organizations around the world, and he was buying up as much land as he could to make the animal world a better place, but I’m sure you have met him through all of those many conservation organizations you are a member of Miss Greer!

You see sometimes if you had have looked at some of the great things this Australian character was doing you may have thought that you had something in common. And maybe, just maybe…you would have found a friend. I feel sorry for the native fauna in your unhappy rainforest, however I’m sure most of them would have legged-it, slithered, and flown the hell out of there a long time ago, suffering from “psychological torment” (apart from a couple of pissed-off female kangaroos burning their pouches, and a team of really pissed-off black-widow spiders!)

Just remember Germaine “Oh Dear” Greer - when you are sitting on your rocking chair knitting yourself the world’s biggest beanie to fit around your big scone, on your 125,000 acre rainforest, and big a six-foot long “Morelia Viridis” (that’s a Queensland green carpet python) slithers across your feet - CRIKEY! Don’t panic darls, it’s non-venomous. I know…because a great Australian bloke called Steve told me so.

Oh …and I nearly forgot Germaine…How are the book sales going?

R.I.P STEVE IRWIN.

What's wrong with Warney??

With Tell all book about Shane Warne by Paul the "shagger" Barry is hitting the bookshelves i thought i should have a couple of words to say about the situation myself. (That's what blogs are for isn't it?) It seems that everywhere we look our Aussie celebrities are having trouble with their phones. If you ask me Shane and Russell should swap there means of communication - Russell could have texted his damsel in distress and saved himself a lot of trouble and money, and Shane…well, with a land-line couldn’t text, and even better if it is ripped out a wall!

However, I am not here to rip a googly through Shane on this occasion (like everyone else), rather give the Aussie bloke a bit of support, and hope everything works out with his wife and lovely young kids.

Firstly I wish to cast aspersions on these so called victims of the spin king’s flipper finger texting; these woman have all “come out” in the press (for a large price I might add) declaring they had been bombarded with lured, dirty, obscene messages that they didn’t want - yet all managed to see their way through the vulgarity and sleep with the spin whiz! Take Laura Sayers, the woman who came out in the English press saying Shane went back to her apartment for an innocent chat after night on the sauce, when the bamboozle boy from Brighton entered the lounge room naked dancing! Oh no, shown the door you ask? No, Laura says, well… she “gave in” and well…slept with him! (I must keep that one in mind next time a girl asks me back for a innocent coffee - I will skip the coffee, take off the duds and do a moonwalk across the lounge room floor singing “beat it” - bound to work every time!)

And of course after that we have had the lovely Michelle (just a friend) Masters come out in the press saying she was in a texting frenzy with Mr Spinney, just for support in his time of need. That sounds nice, good on you Michelle. Yet two days later (after a little bit of cash was waved under your nose by Fleet Street) you came out and said that after a month you “relented” and, well, um…slept with him! Poor girl same old story, plain office girl finally gives in to good looking millionaire international celebrity, I hope you are alright Michelle!

And of course we can’t forget that lovely forty five year old year old South African dame, Helen Cohan Alon, with a silent “E” on the end of her last name, claiming Warney sent her “Vulgar” text messages on her phone and wanted the world to judge Shane accordingly. There was a judge involved alright - the one that found her guilty of extortion and sentenced her to eighteen months imprisonment. I hope Bea Smith from “Prisoner” is her cell mate, she was a big cricket fan apparently!

And last but certainly not least, out of the doona covers springs all of these so called “Sexperts” commenting on the world’s greatest wicket taker’s “sex problems”. One such little podgy Colonel Sanders look-a-like that Channel Ten dug up this week on their nightly news (whose name escapes me) says: “Mr Warne has a “Sex Addiction!” Very dangerous and bordering on unethical for a doctor to give such an opinion on a patient without consultation don’t you think? Even more so to make a diagnosis from Fleet Street? And what exactly does constitute a “sex addiction”? How many times do you have to do the business before you can class yourself as an addict? Do we go by how many times little Colonel Sanders rolls his leg over? What would that be once…twice, maybe three times a year?

Doesn’t this little under-sexed over-educated little garden ornament man realize that in the real world SEX TEXTING and SEX is happening everywhere, and that not the average male, but ninety-nine percent of men think about sex ninety-nine percent of the time? If not, my name is Grant Dickinson, and I am a Sexaholic! (Go Warney!)

Floyd on drugs?

Were we honestly suprised when Tour De France winner Floyd Landis tested positive for drugs? Here is a couple of exclusive shots of Floyd on his way to Melbourne's very own Summer Daze Dance party on New Year's day! Who would follow such a crooked sport. It's enough to make me hand in my Malvern star dragster.